Conference Notes:
Boyd K. Packer:
The Church's clergy comes from the "weak things of the earth." It is an inexhaustible supply. The Lord chooses from the same supply to head His families of children on the earth. Fathers too are the "weak things of the earth," and are just as empowered as a young bishop.
3 Ne. 9:28
More on this stuff later. :)
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Friday, July 13, 2007
My Parents in Town
I forgot to write that my parents were in town from Thursday to Sunday. They saw all the vignettes they could, the pageant twice and the sociable twice. They are always at everything to support me. I felt a little sheepish and like a child having them there, but I love them so I am just fine with it. The cast took them in well, and they made some new friends, especially among Melinda's family, with Heather and Gayle. They were always talking it seemed. Dad seemed to just gravitate toward everyone in the family and want to take hold as much as possible, so I can tell he really likes Melinda. I wondered how they received my dad and mom at first, but they were always asking about how they were and specifically how my Mom was receiving the pageant and the Spirit, as they know about her inactivity. They knew more than I, as I was always performing and hardly got to see them. I saw them twice as we went out to the Ivie in Fort Madison by their hotel, and then as we toured John Taylor's home. Other than that I was always performing. After the sociable, they asked Melinda and I to sing our duet for the Letters vignette, as they were upset they couldn't see it b/c they would be out of town. So we just improvised and sang it. It was a good idea because we hadn't done it in a while, but somehow I remembered the song and the words and all. It was a good practice, as we did it for real on Wednesday (it went well). I miss them now a bit.
I feel very much like in limbo here in Nauvoo, a little like how on your mission you long to be home and normal and getting on with the important things in life like your own future family and career and those things meanwhile you are giving all you have to the Lord, and loving it. Don't want to go, want to move on. I'll just be happy to be able to spend normal time with Melinda. It's very different having to be chaperoned and all. Not really a chance to get to know and bond like friends do with someone at your shoulder. I was looking forward to seeing the companionate side of love develop, but it's hard from a distance. I often feel like bursting for want to really be with her.
Paul was dumped by Amy Shreeve last night. I've never seen him so down. Don't know what to do.
I feel very much like in limbo here in Nauvoo, a little like how on your mission you long to be home and normal and getting on with the important things in life like your own future family and career and those things meanwhile you are giving all you have to the Lord, and loving it. Don't want to go, want to move on. I'll just be happy to be able to spend normal time with Melinda. It's very different having to be chaperoned and all. Not really a chance to get to know and bond like friends do with someone at your shoulder. I was looking forward to seeing the companionate side of love develop, but it's hard from a distance. I often feel like bursting for want to really be with her.
Paul was dumped by Amy Shreeve last night. I've never seen him so down. Don't know what to do.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
July 12: Openinig Weekend Continued
Now onto part 2 of the whole saga of the opening of the pageant. I've got several experiences and stories that I need to write down as soon as possible.
First off, my parents were in town from Thursday night until Sunday night. They arrived two days after Mel and I had to back off, and I worried they wouldn't understand the separation that had to be between the two of us. But it never turned out to be a problem. They came during our dress rehearsal with Red Cast. It was a worrying event. The cast just wasn't coming up with the energy to take the pageant into the laps of the audience. The next day was spent draining the juice out of everyone to get it to where it needed to be. I felt so freed up in my performances, to a level I hadn't felt since the first night of the pageant. David told me after that first show, "That's it!" And I haven't felt like I approached that until the the performances opened. Good thing it came to be for the performances. Friday then came and was an inspiring night. The energy was all it needed to be, and it has been since. I saw a photo that Larry the photographer and recorder of the show had taken during the evening dance as Brigham is presented as the actor for the Incan priest of "Pizarro." The red cast was just full of joy and life and I was so proud of them. Larry has taken some incredible pictures. I hear we will receive a cd of pictures--I'm very excited. The colors and composition of the shots is incredible.
Also, Satureday night we opened the sociable. The response to it has been so positive. I love this show very much. The message, the music and the script is something to behold. We perform in the convention of the debate duo scene style, where both actors look straight ahead and connect through the audience in a sort of horseshoe way, thereby catching the audience in the middle of what they share. The sociable takes familiar scenes of everyone's life and strings them together with music and dialoge that shows the poignancy of each moment and presents them like an old radio drama, with actors doing foley effects and everything. It is powerful. Saturday night saw us perform for the casts of the show, and then Sunday night we took the show to Keokuk.
Keokuk's Grand Theatre used to be an old Vaudeville theatre, and since its restoration it resembles that, with all the gaudy decorations in greens and golds. There is a balcony with box seats even. The space itself is still rather small, and I doubt the house would seat more than 4 to 5 hundred. The audience flowed in, however, and I worried that perhaps the Joseph Smith part would not be well received from this non-member audience. David instructed us to act more in the tradition we were used to before coming to Nauvoo and we had a hard time doing that. How do we go back to being "theatrical?" we all wondered. I also worried because my illness had taken hold of my voice, and I wasn't able to clearly sing everything I needed to because I could either cough or crack at any time. I found this out as I tried to sing in a dressing room.
Yet the reception couldn't have been much warmer and no one's performance much better. It was our finest performance of the piece. Everyone's voice sounded perfect and I had an easier time hitting my high notes than ever before. And as Dallyn finished his Joseph Smith song, the audience cheered louder than for any other song. At the end of the show, the audience, especially non-members, leapt to their feet. I was absolutely amazed.
And that has been our reception pretty much the entire time. Youth of Zion opened with neither me, Melinda or Wally having a voice and it just came out to a great reception. Go Ye into the World had to have two performances every time so far to accommodate all the people coming to see it, and the others have all been well attended. It's been a wonderous experience, and I feel so much better spiritually and personally now that the real work has begun. I realize how important it is for me to be involved this way in the work, whether it's just me having a teaching calling or no.
Well, Missionary Moments:
Melinda, normally shy, prayed for a missionary experience, something she had never yet done. That night she sat near a man who sat alone after the pageant for a while. He was very emotional. She asked him a question and he turned, and thanked her for the show, again and again, hardly able to speak. They simply cried together.
I asked for a missionary experience, and at the Sunday Sociable I met an old mission president of the Tokyo North Mission. We chatted for Japanese for a second, until he started saying (in Japanese) "I haven't been able to speak Japanese for a while..." then in English "Thank you." and he was overcome with emotion, I'm thinking because of the show, and embraced me.
Also at the sociable, some members and missionaries had brought an Australian family to the pageant. This family had decided for professional purposes to move from Australia to Keokuk, Illinois, of all places, where they had found their home next to these members. They were overcome by the pageant, and they were invited to the Sunday Sociable in Keokuk. There, only the mother came--he had other things he had to get done. But a few minutes into the show, she grabs a cell phone and calls him.
"Get over here! The talent is amazing! ...I don't care, put on a shirt, and come!" He saw the second half of the show and said, "You are doing more shows in Nauvoo next week, right? I'm SO there."
After the show the Aussie's, the members, the missionaries and the Gudmansons went out for ice cream together. The Aussie's were a bit anxious about missionaries being there, but the elders only stayed about 10 minutes and left, just to say hi and hang out. That calmed things. I heard Brother Gudmanson explain this part of the story and just say that the walls have to crumble down slowly, and I got extremely frustrated. The old missionary came out of me and wanted to say, "Wait for the walls to come down? You've got to knock them down! We don't have time to wait for them to fall themselves!" But at the same time, I realize that taking a battering ram to them might be too much meat at the present time. So I didn't say anything. Brother Gudmanson is right, but I feel like taking that position is being too much of an Uncle Fluffy. We don't have time! Let's be bold! I feel in my heart.
I had a wonderful experience with a non-member myself. I prayed for an experience, and that night as I wandered I met a woman and I asked her about the show. She said that she came for a lesson on Mormon history, as she loves history (teaches it), and her sister was a member. She said that now she feels she understands her sister much better.
"Well, was there any part of what you saw that you have questions about or you'd like to know more about?" I asked.
"No, not really," she said. "I guess I'll just have to borrow my sister's Book of Mormon."
My heart soared, and I testified, "That book is real. You must read it. Will you do that for me?"
She responded in the affirmative, and I said thanks, although this was not at all for me, which I stated directly afterwards. It was the natural thing to say because that's how we had said it in Japanese, but my old Branch President's lesson of not saying please or for me or thank you. Ah well.
Brother Gudmanson also had a great experience with an old friend from Nauvoo. He was over because it was Nauvoo Appreciation Day, where the best seats were roped off for Nauvoo residents. Before the show they were served a catered dinner. This friend leaned over to Brother Gudmanson, who up till now had just hung out with them, and he said, "You know, if it weren't for one thing, I think I could join your church. I just can't get over that you have to be part of a church to get into heaven."
"Everyone will be saved, but if you want to live with God Himself, there are some things that He's asked us to do."
"Well, that makes sense, but if I could just get over that one thing..."
More walls to fell yet.
Stick pull fun!
I have started doing the stick pull in the preshow. Jared taught me a trick. You just stick your legs out straight right away and the opponent can't pull you up, something he then used on me to wallop me. I faced some high schoolers the next day and I used it on them. They were large football player types. I'm just a scrawny lurpy tall thing. But some friends I met some nights before encouraged me to go play, and then I saw the football players. I thought I was sunk. But I kicked out my legs and no one could heft me. They pulled and pulled and grunted and gave me dirty looks but they couldn't pull me. I couldn't pull them either, but my grip held on longer and they eventually let go. I was 3-0. Not bad! I'm not used to doing so well in stuff like that, so I have to write this down.
So that's the basic goings-on. As significant events come up I'll write more stories like those above. Melinda is good to me. Last night she writes, "Sleep well, dearest. And thanks. For everything that you are!" Well, how can I not be full of joy to be spreading the gospel in the company of a friend like her.
First off, my parents were in town from Thursday night until Sunday night. They arrived two days after Mel and I had to back off, and I worried they wouldn't understand the separation that had to be between the two of us. But it never turned out to be a problem. They came during our dress rehearsal with Red Cast. It was a worrying event. The cast just wasn't coming up with the energy to take the pageant into the laps of the audience. The next day was spent draining the juice out of everyone to get it to where it needed to be. I felt so freed up in my performances, to a level I hadn't felt since the first night of the pageant. David told me after that first show, "That's it!" And I haven't felt like I approached that until the the performances opened. Good thing it came to be for the performances. Friday then came and was an inspiring night. The energy was all it needed to be, and it has been since. I saw a photo that Larry the photographer and recorder of the show had taken during the evening dance as Brigham is presented as the actor for the Incan priest of "Pizarro." The red cast was just full of joy and life and I was so proud of them. Larry has taken some incredible pictures. I hear we will receive a cd of pictures--I'm very excited. The colors and composition of the shots is incredible.
Also, Satureday night we opened the sociable. The response to it has been so positive. I love this show very much. The message, the music and the script is something to behold. We perform in the convention of the debate duo scene style, where both actors look straight ahead and connect through the audience in a sort of horseshoe way, thereby catching the audience in the middle of what they share. The sociable takes familiar scenes of everyone's life and strings them together with music and dialoge that shows the poignancy of each moment and presents them like an old radio drama, with actors doing foley effects and everything. It is powerful. Saturday night saw us perform for the casts of the show, and then Sunday night we took the show to Keokuk.
Keokuk's Grand Theatre used to be an old Vaudeville theatre, and since its restoration it resembles that, with all the gaudy decorations in greens and golds. There is a balcony with box seats even. The space itself is still rather small, and I doubt the house would seat more than 4 to 5 hundred. The audience flowed in, however, and I worried that perhaps the Joseph Smith part would not be well received from this non-member audience. David instructed us to act more in the tradition we were used to before coming to Nauvoo and we had a hard time doing that. How do we go back to being "theatrical?" we all wondered. I also worried because my illness had taken hold of my voice, and I wasn't able to clearly sing everything I needed to because I could either cough or crack at any time. I found this out as I tried to sing in a dressing room.
Yet the reception couldn't have been much warmer and no one's performance much better. It was our finest performance of the piece. Everyone's voice sounded perfect and I had an easier time hitting my high notes than ever before. And as Dallyn finished his Joseph Smith song, the audience cheered louder than for any other song. At the end of the show, the audience, especially non-members, leapt to their feet. I was absolutely amazed.
And that has been our reception pretty much the entire time. Youth of Zion opened with neither me, Melinda or Wally having a voice and it just came out to a great reception. Go Ye into the World had to have two performances every time so far to accommodate all the people coming to see it, and the others have all been well attended. It's been a wonderous experience, and I feel so much better spiritually and personally now that the real work has begun. I realize how important it is for me to be involved this way in the work, whether it's just me having a teaching calling or no.
Well, Missionary Moments:
Melinda, normally shy, prayed for a missionary experience, something she had never yet done. That night she sat near a man who sat alone after the pageant for a while. He was very emotional. She asked him a question and he turned, and thanked her for the show, again and again, hardly able to speak. They simply cried together.
I asked for a missionary experience, and at the Sunday Sociable I met an old mission president of the Tokyo North Mission. We chatted for Japanese for a second, until he started saying (in Japanese) "I haven't been able to speak Japanese for a while..." then in English "Thank you." and he was overcome with emotion, I'm thinking because of the show, and embraced me.
Also at the sociable, some members and missionaries had brought an Australian family to the pageant. This family had decided for professional purposes to move from Australia to Keokuk, Illinois, of all places, where they had found their home next to these members. They were overcome by the pageant, and they were invited to the Sunday Sociable in Keokuk. There, only the mother came--he had other things he had to get done. But a few minutes into the show, she grabs a cell phone and calls him.
"Get over here! The talent is amazing! ...I don't care, put on a shirt, and come!" He saw the second half of the show and said, "You are doing more shows in Nauvoo next week, right? I'm SO there."
After the show the Aussie's, the members, the missionaries and the Gudmansons went out for ice cream together. The Aussie's were a bit anxious about missionaries being there, but the elders only stayed about 10 minutes and left, just to say hi and hang out. That calmed things. I heard Brother Gudmanson explain this part of the story and just say that the walls have to crumble down slowly, and I got extremely frustrated. The old missionary came out of me and wanted to say, "Wait for the walls to come down? You've got to knock them down! We don't have time to wait for them to fall themselves!" But at the same time, I realize that taking a battering ram to them might be too much meat at the present time. So I didn't say anything. Brother Gudmanson is right, but I feel like taking that position is being too much of an Uncle Fluffy. We don't have time! Let's be bold! I feel in my heart.
I had a wonderful experience with a non-member myself. I prayed for an experience, and that night as I wandered I met a woman and I asked her about the show. She said that she came for a lesson on Mormon history, as she loves history (teaches it), and her sister was a member. She said that now she feels she understands her sister much better.
"Well, was there any part of what you saw that you have questions about or you'd like to know more about?" I asked.
"No, not really," she said. "I guess I'll just have to borrow my sister's Book of Mormon."
My heart soared, and I testified, "That book is real. You must read it. Will you do that for me?"
She responded in the affirmative, and I said thanks, although this was not at all for me, which I stated directly afterwards. It was the natural thing to say because that's how we had said it in Japanese, but my old Branch President's lesson of not saying please or for me or thank you. Ah well.
Brother Gudmanson also had a great experience with an old friend from Nauvoo. He was over because it was Nauvoo Appreciation Day, where the best seats were roped off for Nauvoo residents. Before the show they were served a catered dinner. This friend leaned over to Brother Gudmanson, who up till now had just hung out with them, and he said, "You know, if it weren't for one thing, I think I could join your church. I just can't get over that you have to be part of a church to get into heaven."
"Everyone will be saved, but if you want to live with God Himself, there are some things that He's asked us to do."
"Well, that makes sense, but if I could just get over that one thing..."
More walls to fell yet.
Stick pull fun!
I have started doing the stick pull in the preshow. Jared taught me a trick. You just stick your legs out straight right away and the opponent can't pull you up, something he then used on me to wallop me. I faced some high schoolers the next day and I used it on them. They were large football player types. I'm just a scrawny lurpy tall thing. But some friends I met some nights before encouraged me to go play, and then I saw the football players. I thought I was sunk. But I kicked out my legs and no one could heft me. They pulled and pulled and grunted and gave me dirty looks but they couldn't pull me. I couldn't pull them either, but my grip held on longer and they eventually let go. I was 3-0. Not bad! I'm not used to doing so well in stuff like that, so I have to write this down.
So that's the basic goings-on. As significant events come up I'll write more stories like those above. Melinda is good to me. Last night she writes, "Sleep well, dearest. And thanks. For everything that you are!" Well, how can I not be full of joy to be spreading the gospel in the company of a friend like her.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Nauvoo, July 6-10: Opening Weekend!
The pageant opened this weekend to nigh-pentecostal miracles. I'll try to capture them and all the other fun stories I've heard before I crash to sleep. I am just getting over a cold and without some real rest I'll never kick it. I feel the fatigue pounding behind my eyes but here I am wide awake.
I performed the Letters Between Joseph and Emma duet with Melinda today for the first time. It was nice. The performance was touching, and I just love singing with Mel. She sounds so beautiful every time, and is a polished performer. Helps me to boost myself a notch. What's fun is the enjoyment is mutual.
So since David grounded our twitterpated selves, the two of us have found some nice neutral ground, I would say. The first days were hard. We all but avoided each other. The day after on the Fourth of July, we were set to sing the Wheels of a Dream song at the Fourth of July show in Carthage's town square. The show was thrown together, but the author, Ross, couldn't do anything mediocre, despite the time restraints. He put together a very touching show. I sing Anthem and Wheels of a Dream. I was flattered that Ross and Gayle would choose me to be a part of the show with Michelle, Dallyn, Aaron, Melinda, Heather and Ross. Wheels of a Dream is a favorite of Melinda's and me to sing with the other, but with the sudden situation, we didn't really pull it off--I was afraid to be anywhere near her, and I was exhausted from my long night the night before. As we prepped for the show I sat on a little stage in our waiting room across the street from the square she sat somewhat near me, and Gayle literally pulled her off the stage and onto the floor and sat where she had been. It was funny--and caught on tape. As we walked to the stage we somehow were next to each other again, and Melinda remarked, "I suppose we can't even walk next to each other." I thought that going that far was ridiculous, and I told her so. Since, however, we've warmed up again, and now it feels like we understand our limitations and enjoy our time together within them. The circle within the square. Better, we aren't forgetting the pageant. We are first and foremost missionaries, and our performances show it. We're never alone or really even next to each other. The other night, I was out gathering the last things I needed for the night and saw Melinda out trying to send a text message--to me. We saw the other and started talking and before we knew it it had been 30 minutes and we were alone for the first time since our reprimands. We discussed our basic spiritual personality and the history therein, and then, of course, David walks out of another apartment. We had no idea he was there and had no intention to be alone that night. He chitchatted for a second before levelling out with, "Now I know you didn't know I was in that apartment, and i don't want you to go away not knowing what I'm thinking about this. And I just want to ask, how can I help you?" I simply said that it was a fluke event (the first time we'd been alone), and we're fine, and our focus is back. He said it was apparent in our work, and said that he was very impressed with the humble and penitent way I had responded to his talk with me. That meant a lot coming from David. I often have little to say or really contribute to show me as a person of quality and worth among this crowd, but that was something.
It's really hard at times. I all but burst at times talking to her. I try to help her or cheer her in any way I can, like a loving friend would. I don't know how to do it at all, but it happens, and the things I don't even think about get it done. On Saturday, the Sociable was giving its dress rehearsal, and we were still trying to find even ground between us. I tried not to even touch her. She came in crying because of something someone said. We were ready to go out and the prayer was being said, and I had no idea of what to say or do. I was dying inside seeing her like that, so I just wrapped an arm around and pulled her close. Seemed to help before, and this was something anyone would have done for her, so I found it quite necessary despite. I pulled her in and she calmed and stopped shaking, almost like the Mother Teresa movie clip, so I guess it helped. She's become sick with whatever I caught in the last few days. I sent a text message and thought to say, "Hurrah for Israel," like the old story. I was able to participate in giving her a blessing yesterday before the show. I anointed and went to give the real blessing instead of pronouncing the annointing. I caught it midway and just sounded kinda dumb, but she said I had great strenght and that the blessing the other brother pronounced and everything was very amazing. I don't know. I contacted her cousin and asked her to send several pictures of Jasmine to her, too, as she missed that dog very much. I can't wait to see her reaction, but I hope that she doesn't know I asked for them to be sent. I hope she does at the same time. Bah. Anyway.
Melinda just seems to see things in me that I don't know are there: strength and charisma, charm and ability, enough to be inspired herself into wanting to be better. What I love about it is that I'm just being myself, and she sees these things. I told her last night that I can only hope to live up to the man she seems to see. It reminds me of what Dad has told me, that one day a girl will just walk up and claim me. He has has inspiration to tell me that I would meet someone at Nauvoo, and my patriarchal blessing itself contains the phrase "you shall meet, in holy places, a sweet, faithful daughter of Zion whose hand you shall ask in marriage." The Lord has called me to serve in this holy place. I reflect on this occasionally, but I can't tell really anyone. I have no real indication that Melinda is that person, nor can I assume one, and therefore I can only keep hope and speculation in my heart. But other happenings that spur these thoughts on:
Melinda and I are married?
On several occasions Melinda and I have been mistaken as spouses. The first, during the first week, we would often play with little 5 year-old Sarah Allen. We went over to the Allen's one afternoon. The children ran Melinda and me over practically. First we were to play house and Melinda and I were the parents. Then we went downstairs where the Sarah insisted we play "7 Brides from 7 Brothers." Ha ha. You apparently take a blanket and you have to go catch girls in it and take them back to a home base. Sarah suggested we watch the movie so we know how to play. Somehow I was the only boy with a blanket. Sarah hid herself in a place where were I go in it would just be her and I and I wasn't comfortable with that. So I called and said her Dad was calling for her. I hid behind a corner with the blanket out like a bull-fighter. She ran down and round the corner right into it. Anyway. Since that fun day Sarah latched onto us who were always together. One family cast member remarked to Paul Walstad (Wally) that those two have the cutest little daughter together. Uh oh.
The first day of the Trail of Hope vignette. I am down next to Melinda at the end. When we were ready to finish Jen came to get Melinda and take her back after her last group had passed from her to me. Jen said she had to wait for me to finish and asked Melinda if she wanted to watch my vignette with her, and they came over. When I'd finished, an older man who lived in Nauvoo came up to thank me. He looked at her and then at me, who were nowhere near the other nor had been the entire time and said, "Now you two are married, right?"
"No. Should we be?" came her response.
"You two just go together," he said.
"Our clothes or our faces, us?"
"Just you two."
Something like that just doesn't happen, does it?
Last night (Tuesday) we met a family from California. They were nice, and as I was talking, Melinda came up and joined in. We were again a few feet from the other, naturally keeping as much if not more distance than normally two people would. The 18 or so year-old remarked, "Now you two are together, right?" Huh?
I wasn't there for the next one, but Melinda told me last night that a girl in the cast asked her if she and I were married. What? We've been good at being platonic not even touching the other on the shoulder for a week. How is this happening?
Okay, so that's about it in terms of Melinda. My focus is back, but she's still the other main part of my life. In other news, Jared's wife Natalie came and moved into our apartment for a few days. We had to find lodging elsewhere. I've gotten to know them and it's been really fun. I kinda watch their relationship to see what normal or young marriages are like. I really like though what David said to me that night he helped me regain my senses. He said that I should wait until I find a marriage that flows unto me without compulsory means. The scripture embodies already what I've found has entered my heart as the chief component of whom I seek to marry, and takes it out of the eneffible realm. I love when that happens. I suppose that my anxiety about Melinda in the midst of all these marvelous events (not just those above) stems from the fact that I feel this relationship has come up in very much that way, and then it lacks that at the same time. Or rather, I don't trust it to come without compulsory means, and I agonize about the moment when it won't, but somehow it hasn't yet.
My parents were here this weekend, too, oh geez I have to write about that. No time. I've barely got in Melinda, let alone opening weekend. Maybe I should have done that first and then Mel. Shows how my priorities really are, eh, perhaps? Well, as I'll say in my next post (I need to rest a bit), I'm finding myself relaxing and becoming a part of this group, and finding my confidence again. More later.
I performed the Letters Between Joseph and Emma duet with Melinda today for the first time. It was nice. The performance was touching, and I just love singing with Mel. She sounds so beautiful every time, and is a polished performer. Helps me to boost myself a notch. What's fun is the enjoyment is mutual.
So since David grounded our twitterpated selves, the two of us have found some nice neutral ground, I would say. The first days were hard. We all but avoided each other. The day after on the Fourth of July, we were set to sing the Wheels of a Dream song at the Fourth of July show in Carthage's town square. The show was thrown together, but the author, Ross, couldn't do anything mediocre, despite the time restraints. He put together a very touching show. I sing Anthem and Wheels of a Dream. I was flattered that Ross and Gayle would choose me to be a part of the show with Michelle, Dallyn, Aaron, Melinda, Heather and Ross. Wheels of a Dream is a favorite of Melinda's and me to sing with the other, but with the sudden situation, we didn't really pull it off--I was afraid to be anywhere near her, and I was exhausted from my long night the night before. As we prepped for the show I sat on a little stage in our waiting room across the street from the square she sat somewhat near me, and Gayle literally pulled her off the stage and onto the floor and sat where she had been. It was funny--and caught on tape. As we walked to the stage we somehow were next to each other again, and Melinda remarked, "I suppose we can't even walk next to each other." I thought that going that far was ridiculous, and I told her so. Since, however, we've warmed up again, and now it feels like we understand our limitations and enjoy our time together within them. The circle within the square. Better, we aren't forgetting the pageant. We are first and foremost missionaries, and our performances show it. We're never alone or really even next to each other. The other night, I was out gathering the last things I needed for the night and saw Melinda out trying to send a text message--to me. We saw the other and started talking and before we knew it it had been 30 minutes and we were alone for the first time since our reprimands. We discussed our basic spiritual personality and the history therein, and then, of course, David walks out of another apartment. We had no idea he was there and had no intention to be alone that night. He chitchatted for a second before levelling out with, "Now I know you didn't know I was in that apartment, and i don't want you to go away not knowing what I'm thinking about this. And I just want to ask, how can I help you?" I simply said that it was a fluke event (the first time we'd been alone), and we're fine, and our focus is back. He said it was apparent in our work, and said that he was very impressed with the humble and penitent way I had responded to his talk with me. That meant a lot coming from David. I often have little to say or really contribute to show me as a person of quality and worth among this crowd, but that was something.
It's really hard at times. I all but burst at times talking to her. I try to help her or cheer her in any way I can, like a loving friend would. I don't know how to do it at all, but it happens, and the things I don't even think about get it done. On Saturday, the Sociable was giving its dress rehearsal, and we were still trying to find even ground between us. I tried not to even touch her. She came in crying because of something someone said. We were ready to go out and the prayer was being said, and I had no idea of what to say or do. I was dying inside seeing her like that, so I just wrapped an arm around and pulled her close. Seemed to help before, and this was something anyone would have done for her, so I found it quite necessary despite. I pulled her in and she calmed and stopped shaking, almost like the Mother Teresa movie clip, so I guess it helped. She's become sick with whatever I caught in the last few days. I sent a text message and thought to say, "Hurrah for Israel," like the old story. I was able to participate in giving her a blessing yesterday before the show. I anointed and went to give the real blessing instead of pronouncing the annointing. I caught it midway and just sounded kinda dumb, but she said I had great strenght and that the blessing the other brother pronounced and everything was very amazing. I don't know. I contacted her cousin and asked her to send several pictures of Jasmine to her, too, as she missed that dog very much. I can't wait to see her reaction, but I hope that she doesn't know I asked for them to be sent. I hope she does at the same time. Bah. Anyway.
Melinda just seems to see things in me that I don't know are there: strength and charisma, charm and ability, enough to be inspired herself into wanting to be better. What I love about it is that I'm just being myself, and she sees these things. I told her last night that I can only hope to live up to the man she seems to see. It reminds me of what Dad has told me, that one day a girl will just walk up and claim me. He has has inspiration to tell me that I would meet someone at Nauvoo, and my patriarchal blessing itself contains the phrase "you shall meet, in holy places, a sweet, faithful daughter of Zion whose hand you shall ask in marriage." The Lord has called me to serve in this holy place. I reflect on this occasionally, but I can't tell really anyone. I have no real indication that Melinda is that person, nor can I assume one, and therefore I can only keep hope and speculation in my heart. But other happenings that spur these thoughts on:
Melinda and I are married?
On several occasions Melinda and I have been mistaken as spouses. The first, during the first week, we would often play with little 5 year-old Sarah Allen. We went over to the Allen's one afternoon. The children ran Melinda and me over practically. First we were to play house and Melinda and I were the parents. Then we went downstairs where the Sarah insisted we play "7 Brides from 7 Brothers." Ha ha. You apparently take a blanket and you have to go catch girls in it and take them back to a home base. Sarah suggested we watch the movie so we know how to play. Somehow I was the only boy with a blanket. Sarah hid herself in a place where were I go in it would just be her and I and I wasn't comfortable with that. So I called and said her Dad was calling for her. I hid behind a corner with the blanket out like a bull-fighter. She ran down and round the corner right into it. Anyway. Since that fun day Sarah latched onto us who were always together. One family cast member remarked to Paul Walstad (Wally) that those two have the cutest little daughter together. Uh oh.
The first day of the Trail of Hope vignette. I am down next to Melinda at the end. When we were ready to finish Jen came to get Melinda and take her back after her last group had passed from her to me. Jen said she had to wait for me to finish and asked Melinda if she wanted to watch my vignette with her, and they came over. When I'd finished, an older man who lived in Nauvoo came up to thank me. He looked at her and then at me, who were nowhere near the other nor had been the entire time and said, "Now you two are married, right?"
"No. Should we be?" came her response.
"You two just go together," he said.
"Our clothes or our faces, us?"
"Just you two."
Something like that just doesn't happen, does it?
Last night (Tuesday) we met a family from California. They were nice, and as I was talking, Melinda came up and joined in. We were again a few feet from the other, naturally keeping as much if not more distance than normally two people would. The 18 or so year-old remarked, "Now you two are together, right?" Huh?
I wasn't there for the next one, but Melinda told me last night that a girl in the cast asked her if she and I were married. What? We've been good at being platonic not even touching the other on the shoulder for a week. How is this happening?
Okay, so that's about it in terms of Melinda. My focus is back, but she's still the other main part of my life. In other news, Jared's wife Natalie came and moved into our apartment for a few days. We had to find lodging elsewhere. I've gotten to know them and it's been really fun. I kinda watch their relationship to see what normal or young marriages are like. I really like though what David said to me that night he helped me regain my senses. He said that I should wait until I find a marriage that flows unto me without compulsory means. The scripture embodies already what I've found has entered my heart as the chief component of whom I seek to marry, and takes it out of the eneffible realm. I love when that happens. I suppose that my anxiety about Melinda in the midst of all these marvelous events (not just those above) stems from the fact that I feel this relationship has come up in very much that way, and then it lacks that at the same time. Or rather, I don't trust it to come without compulsory means, and I agonize about the moment when it won't, but somehow it hasn't yet.
My parents were here this weekend, too, oh geez I have to write about that. No time. I've barely got in Melinda, let alone opening weekend. Maybe I should have done that first and then Mel. Shows how my priorities really are, eh, perhaps? Well, as I'll say in my next post (I need to rest a bit), I'm finding myself relaxing and becoming a part of this group, and finding my confidence again. More later.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Nauvoo, July 5
I've been here a long time now. I would have written more in this blog, but I couldn't figure out how to get back into it! Somehow I did it tonight. Now I can get back to journal writing. It's so much easier on the computer I don't know how I've avoided it until now.
Well, I have a post from earlier to add to this one (I had to switch to Microsoft Word to keep writing). Here 'tis:
July 5
I’m scribing now the events of the past week or so since I wrote. I believe it was June 27th, the day of the martyrdom of the Prophet Joseph when last I did. Things have changed a little since, as I suspect the coming weeks will see even more of. The red cast is coming along well. They are about ready to open up tomorrow night. They don’t quite exude the energy of the cast in Salt Lake, and the times I’ve seen them I’ve been a little disappointed by a lack of life onstage. But the people are wonderful and work hard. They’ve been very blessed in the rehearsal process by fair and cool weather, the likes of which no one has seen at this time of the year. I keep wondering when things will stop being so wonderful so we’ll have to persevere, struggle, and endure physically a little. I’m weird. I thrill at the adventure of hardships and challenge. I’m just a bit of a Don Quixote. Instead my challenges have been much more internal, especially in the case of Melinda. This last week after Carthage and the hard day she had during the sunset rehearsal of the sociable, I talked to her about it on the porch later that night and somehow she felt better afterward. I just did as Gayle said: listen. I hardly said anything except that I don’t care if she’s grumpy or crazy or whatever, I am just constantly delighted by her. On the opposite, I just don’t understand what she sees in the serious, quiet, and altogether uneventful me. I sing. I act. I’m talented in that way, sure, but I’m a bore, I’m also sure. Somehow she's still interested. But after that night, we became closer and closer, attached at the hip, as it were, going everywhere and doing everything together. We began reading our scriptures during breakfast together at 7:30 and then we wouldn't be separated until that night. We'd end the day by sitting out on her porch under the stars talking. Also we became much more physical. Well, I guess it only felt like much more seeing as we began with strict understandings against things like that. The relationship that began in Salt Lake sprouted and so thrived during the weeklong interlude between Salt Lake and here, that it was not about to be daunted by the sudden deprivement of being in Nauvoo. She would snuggle up during prayers and other times, and I began taking her hand regularly, and we spent an afternoon breaktime sitting wrapped about the other on the couch watching TV as well. I found myself focusing my entire being on her--the pageant and the daily rehearsals and work was just a means to get to her. I've been constantly distracted onstage. Honestly, all I ever thought about all day was Melinda. Yes--I've got it bad.
So yesterday I asked David during a Sunday Sociable rehearsal for some notes, and he took me into his apartment that night and told me I was distracted and needed to repent or I would in no way be able to do the work and I would need to be sent home, because I was incapable of accomplishing the Lord's work and had broken the agreement between us concerning Melinda. I was shocked. I just wanted to know some technical theater things, but that shows how disconnected I'd become from the work. I knew I was beyond what I should have been doing but no one had been saying anything. Like a little child I kept pushing the limit because there was nothing to push back. I realized what he was saying was right, and I really grounded myself. I went back completely stunned, but realizing the only thing I had to do was completely change my heart regarding my disregard for the situation. Time to lock my heart. I just didn't know how to do it. I lay awake after praying about it for a long time, the situation pounding in my head.
Melinda talked to her mother too, and was told that she should probably basically avoid me the next morning. But somehow the distance was correct. I was not affected by her as I had been. Miraculously, the feelings which were and still are strong submerged themselves, and I was able to be with her just as a friend, as any other friend.
So from then on we've hardly seen or talked to the other, and the tendencies have dropped to a friendly level.
The red cast is out there, and where they were so strong, fast, and good at the beginning, they have yet to really embody the energy of the piece.
Well, I'm off to bed.
Well, I have a post from earlier to add to this one (I had to switch to Microsoft Word to keep writing). Here 'tis:
July 5
I’m scribing now the events of the past week or so since I wrote. I believe it was June 27th, the day of the martyrdom of the Prophet Joseph when last I did. Things have changed a little since, as I suspect the coming weeks will see even more of. The red cast is coming along well. They are about ready to open up tomorrow night. They don’t quite exude the energy of the cast in Salt Lake, and the times I’ve seen them I’ve been a little disappointed by a lack of life onstage. But the people are wonderful and work hard. They’ve been very blessed in the rehearsal process by fair and cool weather, the likes of which no one has seen at this time of the year. I keep wondering when things will stop being so wonderful so we’ll have to persevere, struggle, and endure physically a little. I’m weird. I thrill at the adventure of hardships and challenge. I’m just a bit of a Don Quixote. Instead my challenges have been much more internal, especially in the case of Melinda. This last week after Carthage and the hard day she had during the sunset rehearsal of the sociable, I talked to her about it on the porch later that night and somehow she felt better afterward. I just did as Gayle said: listen. I hardly said anything except that I don’t care if she’s grumpy or crazy or whatever, I am just constantly delighted by her. On the opposite, I just don’t understand what she sees in the serious, quiet, and altogether uneventful me. I sing. I act. I’m talented in that way, sure, but I’m a bore, I’m also sure. Somehow she's still interested. But after that night, we became closer and closer, attached at the hip, as it were, going everywhere and doing everything together. We began reading our scriptures during breakfast together at 7:30 and then we wouldn't be separated until that night. We'd end the day by sitting out on her porch under the stars talking. Also we became much more physical. Well, I guess it only felt like much more seeing as we began with strict understandings against things like that. The relationship that began in Salt Lake sprouted and so thrived during the weeklong interlude between Salt Lake and here, that it was not about to be daunted by the sudden deprivement of being in Nauvoo. She would snuggle up during prayers and other times, and I began taking her hand regularly, and we spent an afternoon breaktime sitting wrapped about the other on the couch watching TV as well. I found myself focusing my entire being on her--the pageant and the daily rehearsals and work was just a means to get to her. I've been constantly distracted onstage. Honestly, all I ever thought about all day was Melinda. Yes--I've got it bad.
So yesterday I asked David during a Sunday Sociable rehearsal for some notes, and he took me into his apartment that night and told me I was distracted and needed to repent or I would in no way be able to do the work and I would need to be sent home, because I was incapable of accomplishing the Lord's work and had broken the agreement between us concerning Melinda. I was shocked. I just wanted to know some technical theater things, but that shows how disconnected I'd become from the work. I knew I was beyond what I should have been doing but no one had been saying anything. Like a little child I kept pushing the limit because there was nothing to push back. I realized what he was saying was right, and I really grounded myself. I went back completely stunned, but realizing the only thing I had to do was completely change my heart regarding my disregard for the situation. Time to lock my heart. I just didn't know how to do it. I lay awake after praying about it for a long time, the situation pounding in my head.
Melinda talked to her mother too, and was told that she should probably basically avoid me the next morning. But somehow the distance was correct. I was not affected by her as I had been. Miraculously, the feelings which were and still are strong submerged themselves, and I was able to be with her just as a friend, as any other friend.
So from then on we've hardly seen or talked to the other, and the tendencies have dropped to a friendly level.
The red cast is out there, and where they were so strong, fast, and good at the beginning, they have yet to really embody the energy of the piece.
Well, I'm off to bed.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Nauvoo Day 3
I decided to start blogging for two reasons:
1) I'm enjoying a once in a lifetime experience as a performer/missionary in Nauvoo.
2) I left my journal at home.
A sort of "sometimes-y" third reason would also be that writer's cramp often stifles any drive to keep an up to date journal of any worth.
But a cool leather-bound journal is still trendier. I think. Call me old-fashioned.
So, for today. My goal was to be asleep one minute from now. So much for that. This is day three of Nauvoo. I can't really describe my full feelings living in this place. There is a consecrated holiness that permeates even the fireflies. The poster-child for this feeling, the Nauvoo temple, was our first stop today. It was magic. I was put out slightly only because Melinda's temple recommend had expired, and she was to be left out of the very much needed boost the temple brings. Luckily, somehow David forgot his recommend and after going back for it locked himself out of the car, setting the stage for Melinda to not only call her bishop for a one time entry into the temple, but had David there to perform the baptisms for her.
After lunch, Paul, Wally, Jared, Aaron joined up with some other family cast and work crew members for a good 4 on 4 basketball game. I couldn't break free of Jared for the ball. He would box me out and hit shots from the outside. Very hard, but he was having just as hard a time with me, so he says, so that was fun. Being with them in this way was therapeutic. I'm starting to feel more comfortable around just the folks in the cast, so things are looking up. I'm often astounded at how socially inept I am these days. I feel so incapable of even basic conversation, and devoid of anything worth divulging in cast meetings and rehearsals. I suppose I just avoided, with one major exception in Liesl, social situations where I felt beneath them my entire life, and now that I'm forced to live in one every day, the option of running is no longer available. So what do I do? I don't feel as comfortable around Melinda any more either. Just insecure. It's stupid. Be myself. Be myself. Just be. That's what the Nauvoo pageant is all about. You should learn to do this out here. I just don't feel like I'm anything that she needs at all. I can hardly talk to her lately (I just don't know what to say), and I wonder if we are indeed taking a step backwards from what developed over the 10 day break.
Speaking of the pageant, we rehearsed tonight on the main stage. It wasn't as ginormous as I thought it would be. I had to jump on cues a second or so later and take longer strides, but it worked fine. The rehearsal went and we did the whole show, never stopping. After I learned David was waiting to have to stop it to boost the energy or whatever, but to his surprise he didn't need to. It really was probably our finest to date. There's just something about the surroundings that buoy you up, as some cast members said. The people and the goal inspire you to greater levels. That's how I felt anyway, and afterward David came up and said, "That's it. You have crossed the threshold." That brings a mix of relief, elation, arrogance, and shame. I got it, finally, relief! I got it, I'm so happy. I got it, check me out. I got it...so? I and the others were just a medium--do you praise the brush or the artist for painting a beautiful picture? So, there, my feelings.
After, there was the most beautiful sunset over the Mississippi. Melinda was walking back to rehearsals alone, and I wanted to join her, but I can't be alone with her. Gayle spotted us in the car together driving home today and came over to the condo after to reaffirm the no pairing rule. I knew better, but my emotions got the best of me, and I justified by how loosely it had been enforced in Salt Lake. So I couldn't be alone with her. I came up to the room and saw that the sunset which I had thought to be already fading to be in full bloom across the sky. The lights were off and the curtains shut, and the entire cast stared out into it as we sang our songs. ..."So we come in clouds of glory..." "...God is the flowers, and everything else..." "And as I pass along, I'll sing the Christian song, I'm going to live forever." The songs were powerful with nature as our muse before us. I just thought of how beautiful and grand are the things that God has created, and above them all, people. God created people who create the most beautiful pieces of art, music, poetry, architecture, and stage all sorts of grand epics of life. The things that civilization has wrought on this planet...can you imagine your feelings if something you created had done so much? The beautiful thing about nature is that God doesn't create it for himself. He sends such beauty to fill the lives of His children, thus filling Himself. We all wept and rejoiced, save Melinda. She wept, all right, the entire time. But she sure didn't seem happy. I had no idea what was up, but the idea of how to fix things filled my mind. Just as Gayle said: guys just want to fix it. I had no idea how, though.
Melinda came over afterward, however, to the condo to drop some things off. I went out to talk to her about everything on the front porch. We were alone--gasp--but really I felt this was a time that needed to happen for her. I wouldn't have cared had David gone by and saw us talking. Or her talking. I really didn't know what to say. She didn't know why she was so upset, but things had piled up since the temple. I simply hugged her. For a long time--against rules, I'm sure, and she felt better. But my fears of us having regressed are subdued for now.
Well, off to bed, and then back into it. The battle to get out of my way rages on.
1) I'm enjoying a once in a lifetime experience as a performer/missionary in Nauvoo.
2) I left my journal at home.
A sort of "sometimes-y" third reason would also be that writer's cramp often stifles any drive to keep an up to date journal of any worth.
But a cool leather-bound journal is still trendier. I think. Call me old-fashioned.
So, for today. My goal was to be asleep one minute from now. So much for that. This is day three of Nauvoo. I can't really describe my full feelings living in this place. There is a consecrated holiness that permeates even the fireflies. The poster-child for this feeling, the Nauvoo temple, was our first stop today. It was magic. I was put out slightly only because Melinda's temple recommend had expired, and she was to be left out of the very much needed boost the temple brings. Luckily, somehow David forgot his recommend and after going back for it locked himself out of the car, setting the stage for Melinda to not only call her bishop for a one time entry into the temple, but had David there to perform the baptisms for her.
After lunch, Paul, Wally, Jared, Aaron joined up with some other family cast and work crew members for a good 4 on 4 basketball game. I couldn't break free of Jared for the ball. He would box me out and hit shots from the outside. Very hard, but he was having just as hard a time with me, so he says, so that was fun. Being with them in this way was therapeutic. I'm starting to feel more comfortable around just the folks in the cast, so things are looking up. I'm often astounded at how socially inept I am these days. I feel so incapable of even basic conversation, and devoid of anything worth divulging in cast meetings and rehearsals. I suppose I just avoided, with one major exception in Liesl, social situations where I felt beneath them my entire life, and now that I'm forced to live in one every day, the option of running is no longer available. So what do I do? I don't feel as comfortable around Melinda any more either. Just insecure. It's stupid. Be myself. Be myself. Just be. That's what the Nauvoo pageant is all about. You should learn to do this out here. I just don't feel like I'm anything that she needs at all. I can hardly talk to her lately (I just don't know what to say), and I wonder if we are indeed taking a step backwards from what developed over the 10 day break.
Speaking of the pageant, we rehearsed tonight on the main stage. It wasn't as ginormous as I thought it would be. I had to jump on cues a second or so later and take longer strides, but it worked fine. The rehearsal went and we did the whole show, never stopping. After I learned David was waiting to have to stop it to boost the energy or whatever, but to his surprise he didn't need to. It really was probably our finest to date. There's just something about the surroundings that buoy you up, as some cast members said. The people and the goal inspire you to greater levels. That's how I felt anyway, and afterward David came up and said, "That's it. You have crossed the threshold." That brings a mix of relief, elation, arrogance, and shame. I got it, finally, relief! I got it, I'm so happy. I got it, check me out. I got it...so? I and the others were just a medium--do you praise the brush or the artist for painting a beautiful picture? So, there, my feelings.
After, there was the most beautiful sunset over the Mississippi. Melinda was walking back to rehearsals alone, and I wanted to join her, but I can't be alone with her. Gayle spotted us in the car together driving home today and came over to the condo after to reaffirm the no pairing rule. I knew better, but my emotions got the best of me, and I justified by how loosely it had been enforced in Salt Lake. So I couldn't be alone with her. I came up to the room and saw that the sunset which I had thought to be already fading to be in full bloom across the sky. The lights were off and the curtains shut, and the entire cast stared out into it as we sang our songs. ..."So we come in clouds of glory..." "...God is the flowers, and everything else..." "And as I pass along, I'll sing the Christian song, I'm going to live forever." The songs were powerful with nature as our muse before us. I just thought of how beautiful and grand are the things that God has created, and above them all, people. God created people who create the most beautiful pieces of art, music, poetry, architecture, and stage all sorts of grand epics of life. The things that civilization has wrought on this planet...can you imagine your feelings if something you created had done so much? The beautiful thing about nature is that God doesn't create it for himself. He sends such beauty to fill the lives of His children, thus filling Himself. We all wept and rejoiced, save Melinda. She wept, all right, the entire time. But she sure didn't seem happy. I had no idea what was up, but the idea of how to fix things filled my mind. Just as Gayle said: guys just want to fix it. I had no idea how, though.
Melinda came over afterward, however, to the condo to drop some things off. I went out to talk to her about everything on the front porch. We were alone--gasp--but really I felt this was a time that needed to happen for her. I wouldn't have cared had David gone by and saw us talking. Or her talking. I really didn't know what to say. She didn't know why she was so upset, but things had piled up since the temple. I simply hugged her. For a long time--against rules, I'm sure, and she felt better. But my fears of us having regressed are subdued for now.
Well, off to bed, and then back into it. The battle to get out of my way rages on.
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