I decided to start blogging for two reasons:
1) I'm enjoying a once in a lifetime experience as a performer/missionary in Nauvoo.
2) I left my journal at home.
A sort of "sometimes-y" third reason would also be that writer's cramp often stifles any drive to keep an up to date journal of any worth.
But a cool leather-bound journal is still trendier. I think. Call me old-fashioned.
So, for today. My goal was to be asleep one minute from now. So much for that. This is day three of Nauvoo. I can't really describe my full feelings living in this place. There is a consecrated holiness that permeates even the fireflies. The poster-child for this feeling, the Nauvoo temple, was our first stop today. It was magic. I was put out slightly only because Melinda's temple recommend had expired, and she was to be left out of the very much needed boost the temple brings. Luckily, somehow David forgot his recommend and after going back for it locked himself out of the car, setting the stage for Melinda to not only call her bishop for a one time entry into the temple, but had David there to perform the baptisms for her.
After lunch, Paul, Wally, Jared, Aaron joined up with some other family cast and work crew members for a good 4 on 4 basketball game. I couldn't break free of Jared for the ball. He would box me out and hit shots from the outside. Very hard, but he was having just as hard a time with me, so he says, so that was fun. Being with them in this way was therapeutic. I'm starting to feel more comfortable around just the folks in the cast, so things are looking up. I'm often astounded at how socially inept I am these days. I feel so incapable of even basic conversation, and devoid of anything worth divulging in cast meetings and rehearsals. I suppose I just avoided, with one major exception in Liesl, social situations where I felt beneath them my entire life, and now that I'm forced to live in one every day, the option of running is no longer available. So what do I do? I don't feel as comfortable around Melinda any more either. Just insecure. It's stupid. Be myself. Be myself. Just be. That's what the Nauvoo pageant is all about. You should learn to do this out here. I just don't feel like I'm anything that she needs at all. I can hardly talk to her lately (I just don't know what to say), and I wonder if we are indeed taking a step backwards from what developed over the 10 day break.
Speaking of the pageant, we rehearsed tonight on the main stage. It wasn't as ginormous as I thought it would be. I had to jump on cues a second or so later and take longer strides, but it worked fine. The rehearsal went and we did the whole show, never stopping. After I learned David was waiting to have to stop it to boost the energy or whatever, but to his surprise he didn't need to. It really was probably our finest to date. There's just something about the surroundings that buoy you up, as some cast members said. The people and the goal inspire you to greater levels. That's how I felt anyway, and afterward David came up and said, "That's it. You have crossed the threshold." That brings a mix of relief, elation, arrogance, and shame. I got it, finally, relief! I got it, I'm so happy. I got it, check me out. I got it...so? I and the others were just a medium--do you praise the brush or the artist for painting a beautiful picture? So, there, my feelings.
After, there was the most beautiful sunset over the Mississippi. Melinda was walking back to rehearsals alone, and I wanted to join her, but I can't be alone with her. Gayle spotted us in the car together driving home today and came over to the condo after to reaffirm the no pairing rule. I knew better, but my emotions got the best of me, and I justified by how loosely it had been enforced in Salt Lake. So I couldn't be alone with her. I came up to the room and saw that the sunset which I had thought to be already fading to be in full bloom across the sky. The lights were off and the curtains shut, and the entire cast stared out into it as we sang our songs. ..."So we come in clouds of glory..." "...God is the flowers, and everything else..." "And as I pass along, I'll sing the Christian song, I'm going to live forever." The songs were powerful with nature as our muse before us. I just thought of how beautiful and grand are the things that God has created, and above them all, people. God created people who create the most beautiful pieces of art, music, poetry, architecture, and stage all sorts of grand epics of life. The things that civilization has wrought on this planet...can you imagine your feelings if something you created had done so much? The beautiful thing about nature is that God doesn't create it for himself. He sends such beauty to fill the lives of His children, thus filling Himself. We all wept and rejoiced, save Melinda. She wept, all right, the entire time. But she sure didn't seem happy. I had no idea what was up, but the idea of how to fix things filled my mind. Just as Gayle said: guys just want to fix it. I had no idea how, though.
Melinda came over afterward, however, to the condo to drop some things off. I went out to talk to her about everything on the front porch. We were alone--gasp--but really I felt this was a time that needed to happen for her. I wouldn't have cared had David gone by and saw us talking. Or her talking. I really didn't know what to say. She didn't know why she was so upset, but things had piled up since the temple. I simply hugged her. For a long time--against rules, I'm sure, and she felt better. But my fears of us having regressed are subdued for now.
Well, off to bed, and then back into it. The battle to get out of my way rages on.
